This Single Christian Journey

AN INTRODUCTION

This blog was originally going to be a book called "When being a single Christian woman sucks! Encouragement for the journey." Pithy right?  Well maybe not....

Seasons have come and gone and these notes are still just notes in my pink spiral bound notebook. I am older now, still single, still qualified to write this.

On a side note... Don't you hate it when you pick up a book on singleness and find out the author got married at the age of 19??! I do! I would seriously fling that book across the room and never read it again. I apologise now if you are the author of one these tomes. I personally think to write about singleness you need to have experience being single. 19 years of age and married really isn't enough in my opinion.

But, I'm still human... I have made more mistakes and thus more stories to share. The lover of my soul is still the same and I can hear him whisper. Why don't you blog it daughter?

and so I open my notebook and begin..

This blog is dedicated to you... the reader. I have prayed for you. I pray for peace in the midst of your waiting and the ability to trust God more then ever before.

It is also dedicated to my parents for their boundless love and encouragement.

and to Jess who always listens when I need someone to cry with.

CHAPTER 1

MY RESUME


I sat in the cinema tonight with my family and watched another lame movie with them. Pretty pathetic to admit but I tried to imagine that the guy sitting next to me was actually my boyfriend and that any minute now there would be much fumbling in the dark before that magical moment when he holds your hand for the first time.

I wrote this about 7 years ago now. I still remember  feeling like this though. Bereft, alone and out of sorts.

But lets back up a sec. What makes me qualified to write anything about singleness?

Would you like the resume??

1. Five. The number of years I had a huge crush on drama/music boy throughout my high school years. He ended up dating a friend. (they didn't get married)
2. Twenty-three. How old I was when I had my first and only boyfriend- Mr. X. We dated for 6 months- you'll hear about him later.
3. Six- the number of first dates I have had (this doesn't include Mr.X)
4. Four- Internet dating disasters I have had
5. One- Internet dating scammers I have fallen for and been heart-broken because of
6. Thirty-two- how old I am now and still single.

Think I fit the bill and might know a thing about being single? Yup I thought so too!


Can I just add a disclaimer to this blog. I am single but I am not desperate, I am not bereft or ugly. In fact I am loved, I am valuable, I am beautiful!  I am acceptable and Father God loves me a whole lot. I am learning to love myself and I refuse to settle for just anyone. I would seriously rather remain single then be married to a jerk. (I should know I nearly did marry one)

The main thing I have learnt that has kept me sane when I meet amazing wonderful guys is to:

GUARD MY HEART.

Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it.

Chapter 2

PRACTISING BEING A PRINCESS

One of the earliest things Papa (Father God) asked me to work on was being a princess. This idea comes out of the philosophy that my Heavenly Father is a King and I am his daughter which makes me a Princess. 

If I am a Princess then I am called to walk, to act, to move, to be a Princess. Now I'm not talking about lording it over people and ringing a bell so a servant comes running to press your knee socks. No! No! No! What I mean is acting like God is the King and that you are the servant Princess and that you seek to bring him glory with your whole life.

What does your room/house look like?

What does your language sound like?

What do you wear?

What do you eat?

Who are your friends?

All of these things tell others, your future husband and Jesus who you really are.

Do you talk all holy-like at Church and then around your friends you swear like a trooper? Does your clothing include tops where we can see way too much cleavage or what you had for breakfast???  These things are all important for Princess-like behaviour!

This is something that I am still working on. In fact to be quite honest my house is pretty untidy right now. My bag is still sitting in the spare room where I left it after my trip to Africa and I have dirty dishes on the sink! O-Oh! Need to practise what I preach eh?

Like you I am a work in progress.  But I am a PRINCESS!

I am a princess not because I have a prince but because my Father is the King! (I love this quote)

In the movie " The Little Princess"
Sara says to Miss Minchim

"I am a princess. All girls are! Even if they live in tiny old attics! Even if they dress in rags- even if they aren't pretty or smart or young. They're still princesses all of us!  Didn't your father tell you that didn't he? 

Our Heavenly Father tells us this daily. Are we listening??

 Chapter 3

UNREQUITED LOVE

So he was so cute! I was 13 and I knew he was the one. At 13 I am not really sure how exactly you know these things but I thought I did! From age 13- 17 I liked him. It was an ill-fated attraction from the start. It was totally one sided, we never spoke, I am not even really sure he knew who I was and we definitely weren't in the same circle of friends.  I'm not even sure what I saw him. But still. DREAM BOAT! How silly it all seems now but all so important when you are teenager. In Year 12 I realised he never would like me when he started dating one of my friends. I was devastated. I had wasted so many tears and wishes on a boy who would never be mine. So much heart-ache and love sickness for no reason.

What do you do when you have those feelings of longing? That intense rush of adrenaline when they walk into the room. The scent of their deodorant, the way they pray, their laugh, how they interact with kids, the way they look in that blue checked shirt (HOT!) Get me to that altar right now! I am smitten. ATTENTION LADIES! REALITY CHECK!!!

First of all- These feelings are completely normal- what you do about them is the important part.

Are you guarding your heart? You really do need to do that. First of all it stops you going insane and second of all when you do (if you love Jesus)  you fix your eyes on someone better, someone who loves you deeply, intimately and created your very being.

I definitely don't recommend doing what I've done. (and trust me I have made this mistake 3 times so I consider myself an expert on the subject!) Telling him how you feel- isn't a place you should be going. You just get crushed, embarrassed and have to deal with the fall out when he tells others.

The first time it happened he was really great about it actually- he turned me down gently and I ended up thanking him. A good guy.

The second time it was way awkward and I had to quit the activity I was involved with that I regularly saw him at. It was just too hard.

The third time (involuntarily winces) Biggest mistake of my life. I was involved in a serving capacity at my church and he was serving with me. When it all went down he questioned my motivation for serving on the team and eventually I was asked to step down from that position as a result of what happened. This was one of the darkest, blackest periods of my life. I was so heart-broken and confused and angry at him, my church and God that I honestly wondered if there was any point being a Christian. Thankfully Father God turned this tragedy into triumph and he sent me to go serve him in Canada  for a year. This was an answer to prayer because I had asked God when I left Canada the first time if I could please go back and serve for one more summer. His timing is perfect! Not only was I able to get away from the situation and the boy I was able to fulfil a lifelong ambition to stay on after Summer Camp and work as an Outdoor Education Instructor. I got to experience snow and live for an extended period in the country that I loved so much the first time I was there. While overseas I allowed Papa to slowly begin to heal my splintered, broken heart.  When I returned to Australia in 2008 I chose to stay at the church instead of leaving (it would have been so much easier to leave) and I began to sing on the Worship Team. I also became a Head Usher which carried way more responsibility then my first position ever did. I still see that guy occasionally and even went on a Missions Trip in 2011 with him and his wife. It was quite cathartic really.

I love this scripture verse.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this. That he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I think when you begin telling guys that you like them you reverse the roles that God intended. The man is to lead the gal follows. This is not some anti-feminist plot to ensure that women are chained to the kitchen sink. It just doesn't work if both of you lead.

In my late 20s a friend took my swing dancing. It was so much fun! It was there that I realised how effective this principle was. I had a nice guy ask to dance and he led- what fun we had, he led the moves and I followed and we whirled around the dance floor! If I was trying to lead too I am sure I would have stepped on his toes or one of us would have ended up in the Emergency Department.

I am sure you've heard of cases where the girl has told the guy how she feels and it's worked out great. That's awesome. I'm happy for you. I just don't think it's right. I have also seen this doing the rounds of Facebook.

Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and go find him. The poor idiot might be stuck in a tree or something.

 While it's funny, I really think it's doing Father God a disservice. If He was able to create the entire universe in just 6 days don't you think He's capable finding you a husband? (and do you really want to be married to someone-Prince Charming or not who  managed to get him self stuck in a tree? Seems rather the foolish, idiotic sort to me!)

Sometimes he calls us to wait.

Trust me having a yelling match about it with Him isn't going to change the situation- been there- lost the match! For a long time Father God kept saying to me "my timing not your yearning." It sucked!  But now I know there is a lot of truth to it. Now I know that there is a reason why I am still single. I am called to go and work as a missionary in Africa- My husband and this calling are linked-If I had rushed God I would probably married with 3 gorgeous kidlets, but dreadfully unhappy with a significant mortgage, fighting with my husband and getting second best on all that God desires for me. I definitely wouldn't be heading back to Africa!

The most effective way to deal with your feelings for that gorgeous hunk is to put him on the altar. Sacrifice him and what you want and go serve God and what he wants and his way for you. You never know you may be running your race and suddenly you look beside you there is someone running next to you. Hello husband!


Chapter 4 LEARNING TO WAIT

 Waiting is hard! Waiting can be long. But waiting is worth it.

There comes a time when the waiting becomes monotonous and cutting and running seems like a great alternative. STAY! God will keep his promises in due time.

There is a biblical account  in Genesis 29 of a guy that waited a long time to get his girl. His name was Jacob and he was smitten for a gal named Rachel.  Now Rachel had an older sister named Leah . Leah's Dad wanted to make sure that his older daughter got married first and so he hid Leah under the wedding veil and Isaac accidentally wed her first.  Polygamy was an accepted practise back then so Jacob worked for 7 more years to marry Rachel too. He waited and he worked and he waited some more and he finally had his heart's desire (at this point I do feel rather sorry for Leah but that's a different story!)

Waiting is an active process word. It means ENERGETIC EXPECTANCY! Kind of like how you used to feel as a kid on Christmas Eve you could see the stocking at the end of the bed you knew there were presents under the tree but you had to wait to get them.

There are four things I think you need to do when you are waiting;

1. Wait for God's best
2. Wait with focus
3. Wait with purpose
4. Wait with thankfulness

Settling is oh so easy! I once met a lovely guy who even though he wasn't what I wanted he was available. It would have been very easy to marry him- but I think I would have always been wondering. What if? Those questions are dangerous when your married. If you think your going to ask yourself what if? Then he isn't the guy for you. Wait for God's best.

Wait with focus. It's easy sometimes to not be in focus. That's how you end up communicating with Internet dating scammers posing as good-looking gentleman from America. If I was waiting with focus than I am sure that I would have been awake to his tricks a lot earlier than I was. Thankfully I figured out what was going on before he fleeced me of funds or tore my heart into little pieces. Focus means that you know what you want. If you know that God has called you to marry someone who complements your desire for missions, Marrying someone who wants to further their career and settle down on a block of land in the suburbs obviously isn't the man for you. Shifting the focus because he is good looking isn't a good enough reason.

Wait with purpose. Realise that Father God has a good plan for you! He has a purpose for your singleness. Find it, embrace it and live it. When I was still living at home we had 3 kids come and stay with us for 4 days while their Dad had to go interstate for work. Their Mum was out of the picture altogether and so I helped take care of these kids. The oldest girl was 13 and had managed to lose her sports bag with her shoes in them. I found out about this and was able to take her shopping for more volleys. While we were in the Department Store I realised that she really needed some bras and that going bra shopping with Dad is just something you don't do. She was so grateful! I realised then that if I was married I would have missed this opportunity to bless a young women in need. What purpose does God have for your singleness?

Wait with thankfulness. There is nothing worse than a spoilt brat child who has a temper tantrum when they don't get what they want.

 I WANT A HUSBAND RIGHT NOW AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ONE THAN I WON'T TRUST YOU!

Oh dear! Learning to be thankful for what is in your hand right now is vital for God to give you something else. Otherwise you won't know how to handle the something else. Besides sometimes married people envy us and our carefree existence. Staying up to 11pm. Sleeping til noon on the weekends. Leaving the washing up. Nobody to fight with for the remote.

Being thankful is a biblical principle;

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstance for this is the will of Christ Jesus for you

Please note that this means ALL circumstances. Even those circumstances that we don't overly like. God cares about you and he wants the best for you!

Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

How deliciously good is that scripture? I love it. It brings me so much hope! In the meantime I am going to keep walking on this single journey and know that God cares for me and that there is a purpose to my waiting.

CHAPTER 5

S-E-X

You know it frustrates me that Godly people don't inform, educate and encourage single people about the physical side of relationships. All I was ever really told was sex is for marriage. Uh uh! Yup I understand that but let's be honest with each other- you and I both think about sex. We have natural desires and needs but until we get married we aren't going to be having sex. So what do we do?

Let's start with what you don't do;

Our story begins now...


When I was in Year 12 I had an amazing group of friends who genuinely loved Jesus. We hung out together and they made me feel accepted and loved. Purity rings were the fashion then and we all saved up to buy each other purity rings. I got mine on my 18th birthday. The  ring symbolised that I (like them) were saving sex for marriage.

When I was 23 I met Mr.X. I thought he was perfect! He loved Jesus, he was tall, charming, kind, intelligent, a little nerdy (the way I like it) and wonder of all wonders he liked me too! We quickly established a relationship and kissed on our first date. Pretty soon we were far more physically intimate than we should have been. It was only by the Grace of God that we didn't have sex. I had a romantic notion of the physical side of being in a relationship gleaned from watching romantic comedies like Notting Hill, The Prince and Me, Princess Diaries, Bridget Jones Diary. I didn't realise how intoxicating and addictive physical attraction can be. My purity ring had become a talisman that would keep me from wrong instead of a symbol of a daily choice that I was making. I wish I had someone tell me what I am going to tell you now...

It doesn't matter how close you feel you are to God (trust me I thought God and were inseparable). Or what rules you put in place. Once you start kissing a boy- you want more and more and more until you find yourself in a dangerous place that you never imagined you'd end up at.


Go read that paragraph again. Trust me it really needs to sink in.


So what do I recommend you do?

Guard your heart-Keep away from temptation. If your dieting then having chocolate cake in the fridge is a no-no right? But what about just one slice? That can't be too bad eh? YES! IT CAN!

Be careful about what you feast your eyes on. That shirtless charity fireman calendar you have on your wall? Not a good idea. We girls are word people so books, magazines and the Internet are huge areas of temptation. Case in point- 50 Shades of Gray. Please don't read it girls. I found out the synopsis and know that it is a bad idea to even contemplate reading it even if all my colleagues are.

 Next time at least for me  there will be definitely no kissing til a long way into our relationship. Maybe even til the Wedding Day.

Hang out in groups. You want to see this guy's true colours the best way to do this is to see what they are like in the company of others. Don't be alone with him at your house. If you need to talk privately go to a coffee shop and sit in a booth or go to park or something.

The boundary setting needs to come from both of you.

Funny story! I went on a first date with this guy in Sydney. He was nice, bought me not one but two boxes of chocolates  and after a nice day of lunch and hanging out at Luna Park we went to go see a movie. During the movie he decided to try and get to second base with me. Yup! Total boob feel up!! I firmly moved his hand away and told him I wanted to go home. On the way out he told me he was glad that I set a boundary with me and that this was my job! MY JOB! Are you serious!!!  No way buddy. You have choices too. (don't worry he didn't get a 2nd date!)

The best piece of advice I have. If you wouldn't do it in front of your Nana then you shouldn't be doing it.  Simple huh? If your reading this and feeling bad/sad because you have had sex. Don't be upset. Father God loves to forgive us and cleanse us  when we ask him. All we have to do is ask. Next time with some boundaries in place you'll make it! Plus I recommend having an accountability partner. Someone that you feel comfortable being very honest with about how you are feeling.

Oh and in case you were wondering..

I broke up with Mr. X the first time I went to Canada. I had broken up with him a number of times during our relationship but kept reconciling because I was in love with the idea of being in love and having a boyfriend. It was only when there was an entire ocean between us  and in the company of other God-fearing men at camp that I realised that Mr.X was not the sort of boy I really wanted to marry and so I broke up with him for good. Thinking back now, any marriage to him would have been disastrous! I praise God for his direction and hand on my life and for saving me from more heartbreak and hurt.

CHAPTER 6  YOU ARE COMPLETE

The enemy likes to whisper lies to us. He is the father of lies and lies like "your life hasn't begun yet, your not married." are all standard fare for him. This was a lie that he whispered to me for many years that I swallowed as the truth. My life became a barren wasteland of buried hopes and fickle wishes. I became a hopeless romantic and began to listen to what the world said about my life rather than God. One of my favourite movies when I was 16 was "Jerry Maguire". It starred Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger and had many classic lines such as " show me the money" and "you had me at hello" It's another quote from this film that really illustrates how these lies can operate. When Jerry finally tells Dorothy how he feels about his love interest Dorothy he says "You complete me". While at 16 that line made me quiver at the knees with mental images of tall,dark, handsome men saying this to me. I realise now that Jerry got it so wrong! If another person has to complete you, then you aren't whole to start with!

Common sayings such as "where is your other half today? or a husband referring to his wife as his better half really skews what God intended for us when he designed us. A half plus a half equals a whole isn't the right equation. And you haven't filled the God-shaped hole inside of you with God before you get married than it becomes a God-shaped HOLE plus a God-shaped HOLE which equals a massive crater! With a God filled life we are WHOLE. Therefore a whole plus a hole equals a greater whole which is the right equation. Even if the equation of marriage never happens for you (or me) single life can still be complete and rich.

Next time you look in the mirror- say to yourself; I am complete. I am complete. God has filled the hole inside me and then believe it!

CHAPTER 7

THE PERILS OF INTERNET DATING

It's been 6 days since he emailed. 6 days until "you've got mail" and somehow I have got caught up in the cycle of checking my inbox every 5 minutes. His last email was short and to the point... but yet I wait in hope.

Have you ever felt like this? Relationships by email can have that quality. The waiting is perilous and you can get sucked into the trap of trying to read between the lines.  From bitter experience I don't recommend Internet relationships. I have a friend who doesn't believe in any relationship where you aren't in close proximity to each other. I understand that. It makes perfect sense.

However like anything there are exceptions to the rule. I have two sets of married friends that met on the Internet. The first L&M met on RSVP and fell in love with their shared love of cooking. They used to pick a recipe and make it together and eat it and that was their date. Cute? Yup. I think so too.

The second set G& K met on a band's message board. They chatted back and forth, exchanged emails and soon fell head over heels. The downside? She was in the US of A and he was Australian. It was a very expensive relationship. But it worked out just great.

In my experience though- it doesn't work and Father God has actually told me now he doesn't want me to go there anymore...

I believe Him because pretty much every Internet date I have been on has been disastrous or none eventful. The first one; we sent each other copious amounts of emails. We got to the point where we were emailing at least once a day maybe twice. I remember checking my email every lunch hour at work I was that hooked. We went to see a movie together and had coffee afterwards.The movie was good and he was nice but I could tell halfway through coffee that he wasn't interested. He never really explained himself just had the hide to ask me about a friend of mine who was also on the Internet dating site. (how rude!)

The 2nd one was the 2nd base guy I wrote about earlier. Ladies if your date tries to get fresh with you- bust his chops- he obviously ain't gonna respect you!

The 3rd one was terrible- he sounded nice on paper (well on line) but he was so boring!! I swear I had to restrain myself from looking at my watch every 5 minutes!

The 4th one was a really nice guy actually-  We actually got to the calling each other phase. We had some great conversations on the phone because he lived interstate. We had even discussed where we would meet and what we would do when we did meet. As we talked though I started to realise that there was something missing.... It was at this point that I was seriously seeking God about my heart for missions and I realised that he wanted to settle down in the suburbs and have 3 kids and a dog which didn't mesh well for me. Honestly the thought of owning a house and living in the 'burbs doesn't interest me or satisfy me. So I told him how I felt and he said that he had been praying too and felt convicted that he needed to tell me that he was having serious chats with someone else at the same time as me- he apologised and said that he hadn't meant to hurt me, he just didn't think we were exclusive. We resolved to stop calling because we didn't think it would work out. I cried. Even though I knew it wasn't going to happen I think I was hoping that finally it would. I think part of me was still wondering what if.. so when I happened to be interstate about 6 months later we met up for coffee. He was such a decent guy but it just wasn't right. I was glad I got to meet him though. I wish him well.


The 5th one- URGGH! Internet scammer!!! I really should have listened more closely to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit.

OK Ladies here's three tips for free...

1. Just because they have a profile on a Christian dating website doesn't mean they are legit!
2. If they want to email you straight away off the dating site....Immediately say no, and consider them to be a scammer. 
3. If you facebook stalk them (because let's face it, it's what we do) and they have less then 25 friends on there be suspicious.

This loser told me that he hardly ever went on the dating site which was why his email was better. Actually it's because he didn't want his emails read by the moderator who would have picked up he was a scammer.  He was pretty experienced at this and had me hook, line and sinker within 10 days. I fell for him pretty hard!! It probably helped that he had amazing photos that he sent me and he called me beautiful.... He knew how to write between the lines! He flirted with me, he told great stories, he told me he loved me and I reciprocated this (because he doesn't want to be told they are loved!). He was so clever that even when I did get a bit suspicious and asked him if he was a scammer (I really should have listened here!) he sent me a picture of his "scanned passport photo" and his "driver's license."  I thought it was a bit weird when he said that his web cam was broken so we couldn't skype too but settled for instant messaging. He said that he had to go overseas for work and then during one instant message conversation he said that he had no money as his wallet had been stolen and could I send him some. I immediately knew that he was a scammer then and cut off all contact. I was understandably devastated! There was a great  "expose a scammer" website that I went to- I uploaded some of the emails and they matched it to his pictures- it was really great to read that I wasn't the only one to fall for a scheme like this and was congratulated that I didn't give him money. Apparently University professors get fleeced at the time!

So after that I have sworn off Internet dating for life. I have come to the conclusion,  if Papa can create the world in 7 days with just words- how easy is it for him to be in the match-making husband finding business for me!

If you don't have that same conviction then I am not going to sit here and say DON'T DO IT. I am going to say BE CAREFUL!

Some more tips:
1. Use a Christian site.
2.Stay on the site when you email.
3. Don't give out your personal information
4. Find out lots about him and ask lots of probing questions  about places and sights and sounds near where he lives. If he can't answer them in detail- consider this as a warning light (scammers might be good about finding out about your city using Google but are they going to know the idiosyncrasies of life?)
5. Try not to check your inbox 50 times a day- it really doesn't help
6. Keep your eyes on Jesus and listen to his still small voice
7. Talk to someone else about what you are doing and get them to keep you in prayer.

CHAPTER 8 YOUR MAKER IS YOUR HUSBAND

 And now we come to the part of the story where you get to read some semi-recent history. The stuff that I make myself vulnerable about in the bid to be honest, to be transparent so you would realise that just because I write about singleness does not mean that I have arrived and am an expert in the whole being single stakes Pffft! Far from it!

In the book Lost Women of the Bible; Carolyn Custis James writes "When God created Eve he created her to be his image bearer- "in his image and likeness" and second to be the ezer or the "strong helper."

When I read this, it resonated in my spirit and made me realise that this is what I feel called to do and be.
Our first job as ezer  though is to be a strong helper to our Maker- Father God.

Isaiah 54:5 says

"For your Maker is your husband-- the LORD Almighty is his name-- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth."

For some reason we blanch at this idea of God being our husband and pretend that God isn't talking about us when he wrote this or say it's Old Testament and doesn't apply. We would rather settle for pie in the sky fantasies about knights in shiny armour on a white horses.

Umm you do realise that in the last days that, this is what Jesus is going to be riding?

Revelation 19:11
Then I saw heaven open and a white horse was standing there. Its rider was named Faithful and True for he judges fairly and wages a righteous war.

Man on a white horse? CHECK! Jesus wants to be our husband- because He loves us, he created us. We are called to be the BRIDE! His love isn't fickle or changing. It won't wax and wane like the moon.  As the song  "You are good" by Bethel Church says "Nothing and no one else comes anywhere close to you (God)... and yet we so easily forget and go chasing after rainbows. Sunlight and rain. Beautiful for a while but not permanent.

Some notes from my spiritual journal...

....He is amazing. He ticks all the boxes. I  seriously think he is one of the most amazing on-fire for God guys that I have ever met.... 

I was pretty much intrigued by this man from the first day I met him. Subsequent meetings cemented this fact. Plus seeing how he served God was pretty amazing too. I was smitten. He was definitely somebody that I wanted to hang out with more and ultimately to marry one day.  I said to myself that God gives you the desires of your heart if you put Him first... and therefore what I thought I wanted must be good and therefore God's desire for my life.

I  thought I was being pretty careful- guarded my heart, kept my poker face intact, prayed long and hard, blessed him, chucked him on the altar more times than I can count, talked to trusted friends and tried to concentrate on God. It was difficult though and I found myself thinking about him a lot even though I was trying not to. I liked thinking about him. I wasn't thinking about his physical attractiveness but more how he served God and his faith. I did pray for him a lot too.

 One day God said to me "you know he  would be horrified if he knew that you were thinking about him more than me." Ouch! Talk about reality check!


A  little while after that I had the horrible realization that would have been glaringly obvious earlier to me if I didn't have the shininess of attraction blurring my vision..... He just wasn't  interested in me like that.  Nothing negative was said, there was no difficult conversations.... just simple hard truth....   he was interested in someone else. It made my heart hurt that even though I wanted something good it wasn't best. I cried! Tears of pain, tears of regret. I didn't understand.... I wanted something good didn't I? I was trying to honour God- but yet the reality was, any relationship with him was a no. Friendship was the only level he and I would ever get to.



I had another screaming match with God and basically said "Why on earth did you orchestrate us meeting?? Why did I have to walk through this? It would have been better if I had never met him!" Jury is still out on that one and quite frankly I am still pretty cranky. However what I can say for sure is through meeting him I have grown in my relationship with God and have stepped up in some areas of my Spiritual walk.- Came in handy for my trip I must say!



While I was in Africa I had a friend prophesy  over me that Jesus was kneeling in front of me and saying
"Will you marry me? Will you be my Bride and focus on me?

I didn't really like this word at all. My first thoughts were basically... Does this mean I'm not getting married?

Time and distance has made me realize that what Jesus is asking is will I put Him first? Will I forsake all others and follow after Him? Because in the following after Him will I find contentment and be a better "ezer."

Give me one pure and Holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after you. 

To know and follow hard after you

To grow as your disciple in the truth

 For this world is empty pale and poor

Compared to knowing you my Lord. 

Lead me on and I will run after you. 

This is my story... This is my song.

I truly am a work in progress....I am so grateful that I have a heavenly husband that loves me. That whispers my name and says "I love you, You are worth it. You have so much to give, I believe in you. Come rest in me. Lean on the everlasting arms."  You are my diamond.

In Him I find my contentment and my self-worth.

And so, the waiting continues...

Chapter 9:
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE MENFOLK

I think it's important to hear things from different perspectives. One of which is obviously from a guy point of view. 2 lovely married gentleman from Canada one young, one a little older have agreed to offer their words of wisdom.

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The number one thing I can think of is that girls need to expect the best from a man. Now, that's not to say that they should have unreasonable expectations of being waited on hand and foot, but that they should hold men to a high standards. Along with that they should realise that God has His timing and has perfect plan for their life. I find that a lots of girls get impatient for God-having decided that they are supposed to be in a relationship- they take matters completely into their own hands. In doing so, they usually settle for less than the best. God plans to give them the best so wait for it and expect no less.  Realizing that "best" doesn't necessarily even have to mean a guy.

Thanks G!  You're all kinds of awesome! Congratulations on your recent marriage!