Thirsting for Living Water

It’s no secret that the last month or so has been really hard. I had three hard things to work through professionally, Hubby has been quite sick, my expectations for two different friendships haven’t been met plus, The cherry on my terrible horrible no good very bad month? I found out this week that a friend of mine who got married after us had a beautiful baby this week. 

I cried... it was like never ending sadness. Because, I’ve been diagnosed with a medical condition that means getting pregnant would be a complete miracle and I’ve wanted to give birth  for as long as I can remember. 

The other week I woke up with the worst dry throat. I’d been sick with tonsillitis which had exacerbated it plus I breath through my mouth when I sleep which doesn’t help. That dry icky feeling lasted at least half a day even after chugging mega amounts of water. 

Dry... that’s how I would describe myself at the moment... dry and in need of major living water to refresh my soul and my spirit. My relationship with God has been suffering because of it and I sense I’m more irritable. 

I stayed back late at work this afternoon and got talking to the cleaner who sounded like she was having a trying day too.  She said that she was just counting down the days until holidays, which I understand but I did say to her that there is a lot to be thankful for in between. 

I realised in that moment that I’d let my feelings dictate who I was- and my bad experiences frame my thinking. When really whilst they were completely valid they aren’t a true indication of what is going on. 

If I wanted my life to be full of hope and joy and peace and fun and pizza (because pizza always helps) then I’d need to choose it... I’d need to change my mindset and frame my story as one of incomplete and beautiful- like a piece of clay on the potters wheel being molded and shaped into something truly good. 

Like rain bursting from the heavens speaking words of life over my self and my circumstance  changes the atmosphere... 

It’s important to be wholistic though this is not pie in the sky, name and claim it churchy-ainity this is real hard stuff, involving my body: eating better and going to the gym three times a week  instead of never. My mind; seeing a good psychologist when needed and of making time to be still and rest and of setting good boundaries. And my spirit taking more time to be still in God’s presence. 

Tonight I feel better- I can feel the rains are coming... the drops are softly falling on my face and I can hear a whisper from heaven My Child I love you... let me love you more, give me your sadness and your broken dreams and I will give you something unique and beautiful.